EverlastHere’s one of my least favorite songs of all time. It’s been around a few years, but it still gets significant rotation on the local radio stations. “What it’s like” is written by Erik Schrody, aka “Everlast,” the former House of Pain rapper. His other popular solo single is a song called “Ends,” which exposes the evils of capitalism in America. Everlast is also partially responsible for the most annoying song ever recorded — “Jump Around,” which can be heard in the birthday-party-chaos scene in the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. And here’s a quick fact you can use to impress your friends: Everlast is a convert to Islam.

This was part of your homework, by the way, so I expect some good comments on this one.

We’ve all seen a man at the liquor store beggin’ for your change

I have seen liquor stores, and I’ve seen men beggin’, but I don’t believe I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing both at the same time. Of course, you always suspect that your “change” will eventually be ex-changed for alcohol, rather than for imaginary bus tickets, car repairs, telephone calls, bottles of baby formula, prescription medications, or any number of other things. But Everlast’s homeless stereotype seems to be quite a bit bolder than most of the actual people I’ve encountered in real life. In his case, you have no doubt that your money will supplement the man’s self-destructive habit and continue his downward spiral.

Chins-up, good Samaritans… you’re doing the Lord’s work if you help this guy — he’s looking for the SPIRIT to take over!

The hair on his face is dirty, dread-locked, and full of mange

His facial hair is so thick and long that he’s got it in dreads? I don’t know if I should feel pity or envy.

He asks a man for what he could spare, with shame in his eyes

Oh, shame. Right. If he’s got shame in his eyes, he doesn’t have to display any shame in his actions or actually do anything to overcome these outrageous and addictive habits .

Give the poor guy a break, will ya? He’s just trying to get hammered. Let’s take up a collection, boys, this fella needs a 40, stat.

Get a job you ****ing slob, is all he replies

Would you look at the way that jerk reacts?! Using profanity? How vulgar. How crude. How shameful. If this man had any pity, he would buy our friend a keg, or at least a six-pack. People have needs, you know.

Keep in mind the fact that we’re supposed to think poorly of this man in part because of his profanity. It’ll come up again here in a minute.

God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
’cause then you really might know what it’s like to sing the blues

If I could walk a mile in his shoes, I’d walk to the nearest church, shelter or treatment center. I certainly wouldn’t be hanging out at the liquor store, even if I was trying to score cash for booze. That’s just a profoundly stupid idea no matter how you look at it.

And don’t tell me about singing the blues. Not everybody who’s down on his luck turns into a street drunk. What about our Bad Samaritan friend; how the hell do you know what he’s been through? What if his daddy was a boozer who used to beat up his mom every night and force his kids to stay up all night and watch it? You don’t know that. So if Everlast’s point is that we shouldn’t assume things about other people, without looking at life through their eyes, maybe he should stop his own moralizing at the expense of the strawmen he’s created.

Then you really might know what it’s like… [x4]

Yeah, why don’t you take your own advice, Everlast.

Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom that said he was in love

Mary got pregnant, huh?

I wonder how. Did she have any say in the matter, or did it just happen? I mean, it certainly couldn’t have been partially a result of her own actions, could it?

[F]rom a kid named Tom that said he was in love…

Well, there you go. That absolves Mary’s responsiblity in the whole affair.

Clearly, Tom’s a liar. But he must have some sort of magical powers, as he can get women pregnant by merely whispering sweet nothings into their ears.

He said, don’t worry about a thing, baby doll
I’m the man you’ve been dreaming of.

Tom was “a kid” just a second ago. Now he’s a man. Kids sure do grow up fast these days.

But three months later he say he won’t date her or return her calls

Oh, the humanity.

And she swear, God damn, if I find that man I’m cuttin’ off his balls.

Some mouth on that woman, huh? Maybe that’s why Tom won’t date her anymore.

Or, you know, it could be the whole genitalia mutilation thing. That tends to turn people off pretty quick.

By the way, I think we’re supposed to feel sorry for Mary at this point, so in this case we have to excuse the profanity and threats of violence… unlike with the Bad Samaritan. We’re supposed to continue to dislike him for the same reasons we like Mary.

And then she heads for the clinic and

This is a good choice for Mary. The clinic should help her straighten things out. She’s probably going to get counseling and medical advice. She’ll need it, now that she’s going to be a mom.

She gets some static walking through the door

Static?

Static?

Lord have mercy, static?

My goodness, what for? For seeking medical advice and care?

I mean, static is listed under the Geneva conventions as one of the worst forms of torture known to man. Build up enough static electricity and you can make someone’s hair stand on end. We’re talking serious business here.

What kind of crazed fanatic would submit poor Mary to such an indignity as static? I bet it’s those Mormons. They’re always out to get people. Or maybe it’s the Bad Samaritan; we’ve heard about his antics before…

They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner

Well, there was that thing about mutilated genitals, so maybe “they” have a point. What is Mary doing at the clinic, anyway, that would prompt such a response from B.S. and the Mormons?

And they call her a whore

The profanity returns. Note: now it’s back to being a bad thing, and we’re supposed to frown upon it.

God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
’cause then you really might know what it’s like to have to choose

See, because Mary has to choose. First she was forced to get pregnant, and now she’s forced to choose the baby out of existence. Hard life. I wouldn’t want to walk in those shoes. But if I did, I think I’d probably walk to the nearest church or woman’s shelter.

I’ve seen a rich man beg
I’ve seen a good man sin
I’ve seen a tough man cry

Does the rich man have dreadlocks in his beard? Likes to hang out at liquor stores?

I’ve seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie

Oh, I get it… Freedom is slavery. War is peace. Ignorance is strength.

In other words, this song has now become fascist propaganda.

I’ve seen the good side of bad
And the downside of up
And everything between

Everlast, you sure have been around the block a few times. Tell us more.

I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
And smoked the finest green

So you’re saying you’re a spoiled brat who gets high and then brags about it? Dude!

I stroked the fattest dimes at least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends, yo, it usually depends on where you start

I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about anymore, Everlast, but part of that reminds me of a story I heard about this kid named Tom…

I knew this kid named Max
He used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs

How long have you known him, and in what capacity? As a client?

He liked to hang out late
He liked to get sh*t-faced and keep the pace with thugs

Kids these days.

Until late one night there was a big gun fight and Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45, talked some sh*t, and wound up dead

Kids these days.

Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of this pain

Wow, this Max kid is just like Tom. One minute he’s a kid, and the next thing you know he’s fathering children.

You know it crumbles that way
At least that’s what they say when you play the game

Right, right. Of course.

God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
’cause then you really might know what it’s like to have to lose

These things just can’t be prevented, I guess. One day you’re just a kid staying up late and selling drugs, as kids are wont to do. The next thing you know your own kids have no father. It’s the same story I hear day in and day out.

Then you really might know what it’s like… [x4]

Wait, what should I do in order to know what it’s like? Wake up to hear the news? Whatever happened to walking in the dude’s shoes? You know, I could hang out late and get sh*t-faced or something.

Then… then I would have some moral authority. Then I could get out my soap-box and preach about how these evil conservatives are ruining our country, what with their “static” and constant profanity and all.