I tend to approach fashion with a fight-or-flight attitude. I’m not saying it makes sense, or is appealing to the eye, I’m just saying this method appeals to me and influences my clothing choices. My theory of dress doesn’t make much sense in modern, suburban life, I admit, but you’ve got to prepare for the unexpected. When the Department of Homeland security says I need to be ready, I take that to heart.

For instance, I hate men’s business attire. I loathe it. So when I heard Work was headed in that direction, moving from a business casual format, I had to suppress some faint rage.

Let me lead you through this: first you put on boxers that have a hole in the one place that calls for some solid support. Designers built them for people who were too lazy to pull down their undies to take a leak, not for normal people. Alternatively, you can select tighty-whities, which isn’t really a good option. If you’re smart, you go with briefs that look like boxers — that way if a criminal breaks into your home in the morning, you can run out of the house knowing you’re fully covered where it counts, nothing’s going to fly out, and your neighbors will still give you points for style.

Ok, so let’s say you make it past that point. Next come socks. The business attire model calls for dark socks, which are generally thin and provide little comfort for the foot and not much support when running away from a bear. Once you get caught and mauled by the bear, your black socks won’t work very well as make-shift bandages or slings. They’re useless to you in an emergency situation.

Let’s jump out of order and skip to shoes. Business shoes are not made for running. So if you find a note at work saying your son has been kidnapped and is being held hostage a couple miles away, running there is almost out of the question — but if you do try, you won’t make it there in time, because you’ll be sliding all over the place, tripping, getting stuck in mud, etc. They’re the wrong shoes when crisis calls. Your son is dead because your shoes are uncomfortable and impractical. Scaling a tree or a steep mountain cliff, or really any rigorous climbing, is next to impossible in such shoes. Even standing still is a chore unless you’ve got Dr Scholls.

When it comes to pants, your business attire can be described as: thin, dark, inflexible, uncomfortable or all of the above. So when you’re walking downtown and a thug jumps out, steals a woman’s purse and hops on a motorcycle, your legs won’t be protected when you hop on the seat behind him and start smacking him upside the head; when he loses control of the bike, your butt gets shredded and your legs bloodied because you weren’t wearing jeans. These pants also prevent you from putting your karate moves into practice when a ninja squad holds up the bank where you’re stuck in line. And that’s not to mention how cold you’ll be if you have to catch a last-minute flight to Antarctica in order to prevent a terrorist from releasing a biochemical agent into the atmosphere. I mean, let’s think about this, people.

Next you’ve got your collar shirt, probably white, with buttons up the front and at the cuffs. If you need to quickly change into a disguise while in pursuit, it’ll take you longer because you’ll be slowed down by between eight and ten unnecessary buttons. Or you could continue wearing a white collar shirt in the ghetto, or at the docks, or in a seedy bar on the outskirts of town… I’ll let you decide how smart that might be. At times when keeping a low profile is of the utmost importance, you’re going to stick out like a sore thumb.

Top all this off with a dark, inflexible jacket that provides neither sufficient warmth nor sufficient storage for evening spy missions. Freedom to reach even your own head is pretty much out of the question, and added to that you’ve got to keep buttoning and unbuttoning the stupid thing every time you stand up or sit down — meaning your hands aren’t freed up to steady a weapon or signal allies from across the room. Some “coat,” you chump.

Finally, the tie. Everybody loves the tie — a built-in choke hazard and your primary vulnerability. Your entire outfit is dark, plain, boring… but then you’ve got one little strip of bright fabric that might as well be a neon bullseye for the sniper across the street. The tie is the most useless, pointless, ridiculous looking waste of time on the planet. Also known as a noose or a leash, you must know that having a strip of loose material hanging from your neck simply isn’t a good idea. There is no limit to the variety of machines that it could get caught in and cause you to get sucked in and ground into a bloody pulp.

But, you know, if that’s what you’re going for, great. At least you’ll already look nice for the funeral. And I’ll be there, sitting in the back, wearing comfortable, practical clothing and taking note of all the nearest exits.