In which the judges from American Idol review the Cubs v Pirates game of April 15.

Starting Pitcher Jerome Williams

Randy — A’ight, so how do you think you did? I think it was good. Solid start for your first time out there. You were pitchy in parts, but you did your thing. You know, four hits over six innings… you worked it out. Paula, what do you think?

Paula — You are who you are, and the audience loves you. Keep up the good work.

Simon — It was better than I expected if I’m being completely honest with you. It was OK.

Leadoff man Juan Pierre

Randy — Dude, where were you tonight? Four at-bats, no hits and a strikeout? Dude, that was not good. Not good. I don’t know, Paula?

Paula — Don’t listen to him. You’re a star. When you look up leadoff man in the dictionary, a picture of your shrunken little head is there. I know you’re going to be great for this team.

Simon — The way you bunted tonight was like a performance from some ghastly t-ball game. It just wasn’t good. Sorry.

Second Baseman Jerry Hairston, Jr.

Randy — A’ight so check it out. You got up there and got some good swings. Watch out for those fouls, dawg.

Paula — You looked great out there, and I don’t know what they’re talking about. You would make a great starting second baseman. What are you doing later tonight?

Simon — Are you quite finished? Well, again, tonight’s performance was OK. I’m really looking for a bit more at this stage of the competition. If you want to earn the starting role at second, you’re going to have to do alot better than that.

First Baseman Derrek Lee

Randy — Derrek, you are the man! Yea, yea! Looked great, man, it looked great.

Paula — You should already be in the hall of fame.

Simon — I actually agree with Pauler on this one. Excellent work.

Third Baseman Aramis Ramirez

Randy — Dude, so what happened out there tonight? You got a solid double, but you didn’t even start running until you rounded first base and just barely made it there safe. Dude, I don’t know. [Audience boos] What do you think, Paula?

Paula — It’s still early in the season, and it looks like you haven’t quite made it to where you need to be. But there will be plenty of time for you to show up at the plate and you know you’re a star so just get out there and don’t listen to them.

Simon — I agree with…. Randy. [Audience boos]. Look, there’s no question you have some power in your swing, but you can do better than that. It just wasn’t enough tonight. Sorry.

Catcher Michael Barrett

Randy — I don’t know… for you, for me… it was just a’ight. That throw to pick off the runner at second was way off and it wasn’t working for me at the plate either. What happened to the Michael Barrett from last week? Dude.

Paula — Well, Randy has a point. [Audience boos]. But, you know, again, it’s still early in the season, and you’re doing very well. I’d give you the award for most improved.

Simon — Tonight you looked like some drunken college student playing intramural softball in the dark. It was dreadful.

Outfielder Angel Pagan

Randy — Dude, so what happened when you were running to first base? I don’t know, dawg, I think we’re going to need some more help in right field because you guys are dropping like flies out there. Literally — you’re dropping fly balls out there. But you worked it out.

Paula — You’ll be back and better than ever.

Simon — Very disappointing tonight. [Audience boos.] What? I meant that as a compliment!

Outfielder Matt Murton

Randy — Dawg pound, we’ve got a HOT ONE TONIGHT! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check it out, one walk, two hits that were basically two doubles, and you were the only one tonight with an RBI… you were ROCKING IT. Yeah!

Paula — You’re so unique and original and we just love watching you. I love that fiery red hair. I would love to run my fingers through those curls.

Simon — Right now I don’t know if there’s anyone doing better on this team than you. I think you’re the one to beat.

Shortstop Ronny Cedeno

Randy — Dude, you’re quick. You’re fast. You’ve done well at the plate. But I don’t know about those throws to first. That was just a’ight for me.

Paula — You know that this is a very hard game and you’re doing very well for a new player. You’re leading the team. You just need to continue working at it, and the defense will improve. I love your on-deck routine.

Simon — Well, I guess it was ok. I don’t think we’ve quite seen everything you can do just yet.

Pinch Hitter Todd Walker

Randy — It wasn’t there today, dude.

Paula — I love your stubble and that great rough look you have. You are you and we love you for who you are.

Simon — I actually agree with Randy on this one. It’s like you only do well when we’re not looking. Your average during games on WGN must be about seventy-five points lower than your season average. Perhaps you were a bit nervous tonight. We’ll see.

MEANWHILE… I guess this is as good a place as any to lay down a snapshot:

The Outfield:

Murton has continued to be an awesome new player and shouldn’t be batting as late in the order as Dusty Baker, in all his wisdom, has decided. On Thursday, injuries forced Baker to put Murton in the cleanup spot, where he proceeded to drive in all three of the Cubs’ runs. He’s still no Moises Alou, but quite an improvement over last season’s comedy troop. He’s also made some nice catches in the field and last week launched a rocket to Derrek Lee at First, doubling up Juan Encarnacion.

M. Murton - .300 AVG, 2 HR, 5 RBI
T. Hollandsworth - .000, 0, 0
J. Dubois - .000, 0, 0
J. Gerut - .000, 0, 0
M. Alou - .348, 3 HR, 8 RBI

Pierre is starting to kick it into gear and recently swiped his first two stolen bases but still hasn’t proven to be the anticipated Cubs Messiah and leadoff miracle; I’m willing to give him some time since he comes with good references and works hard. But I’m still forced to wonder if we didn’t already have comparable leadoff talent and could have avoided signing another expensive, one-year contract:

J. Pierre - .235 AVG, .257 OBP
N. Perez - .267 AVG, .267 OBP
J. Hairston - .364 AVG, .364 OBP
R. Cedeno - .393 AVG, .393 OBP

Jones got lucky with a home run that happened to also be a grand slam, thus earning all his RBIs to date, but is now INJURED and was only hitting 2 for 18 in place of Burnitz, who was traded to signed by the Pirates.

J. Jones - .111 AVG, 1 HR, 4 RBI
J. Burnitz - .262 AVG, 3 HR, 9 RBI

The Cubs also have three backup outfielders: Angel Pagan, John Mabry and Freddy Bynum. Get used to their faces; if recent trends continue, all three will be starters by mid-season. We’re already a third of the way there, with Pagan taking over for the injured Jones.

The Infield / Catchers

I couldn’t be happier with Michael Barrett, who is currently the best catcher in baseball. Barrett has recorded only one strikeout and is already well on the way to offering another solid year to the Cubs. Anything backup catcher Henry Blanco (affectionately known as Hank White) can produce offensively is a bonus. It’s a far cry from the Damien Miller and Paul Bako duo.

M. Barrett - .385 AVG, 3 HR, 13 RBI
H. Blanco - .200 AVG, 0 HR, 0 RBI
D. Miller - .150 AVG, 0 HR, 4 RBI
P. Bako - .167 AVG, 0 HR, 0 RBI

I’m basically indifferent about superstar 3rd Baseman Aramis Ramirez. He always puts up good numbers, but like with Todd Walker, his great feats always seem to happen when I’m not looking. For instance, Rammy was said to be having a great spring. He must have retired his bat just in time for the regular season. Oh yeah, and he’s INJURED. Again. On the other hand, I did see him pick up some baserunning speed, not that he’s spent any time actually running bases just yet. But since Ramirez could and should “come back swinging” before long (and hopefully with some good contact), he avoids my admittedly-fickle hit list.

A. Ramirez - .174 AVG, 1 HR, 2 RBI.

I’m not all that comfortable with newby Ronny Cedeno at Short, but I consider it a great blessing that we didn’t waste another $10 billion signing the perennially INJURED Nomar Garciaparra for a third year of pure frustration. Cedeno is performing well at the plate but has cost us as many runs with poor defensive plays. It’s been basiclally the reverse situation with lovable veteran Neifi Perez, who does well anywhere in the infield but doesn’t always produce from the plate.

R. Cedeno - .393 AVG, 0 HR, 1 RBI
N. Perez - .267 AVG, 0 HR, 2 RBI
N. Garciaparra - .000 AVG, 0 HR, 0 RBI

Dusty hasn’t quite figured out what to do with Todd Walker and Jerry Hairston, Jr., so he’s splitting the difference at 2nd Base. Both are doing just fine thus far; Walker has gotten twice as many plate appearances but hasn’t quite sealed the deal.

T. Walker - .400 AVG, 0 HR, 3 RBI
J. Hairston - .364 AVG, 0 HR, 0 RBI

What can you say about Derrek Lee except, “more please”? If he goes into a slump or gets hurt, we’re in serious trouble. He’s made a few out-of-character mistakes at First, but his swing is warming up again. Will he be able to recreate last year’s numbers? Probably not… but a reasonably good Lee should be enough to keep us above water.

D. Lee - .348 AVG, 3 HR, 7 RBI

The Mound

As far as our starting rotation goes, the pertinent question isn’t who’s injured but rather who isn’t. I’m not exactly sure why we continue to even bother with Kerry Wood (INJURED) and Mark Prior (INJURED), but this year we have the added advantaged of having aquired Wade Miller (INJURED) from the Red Sox instead of reclaiming Matt Clement. Those who amazingly aren’t yet injured include Carlos Zambrano and the great Greg Maddux. Zambrano starts another season as the Cubs’ true ace, though his wild manner gets him in trouble and Dusty has no ability to manage him. Maddux has been brilliant in two starts this season. To fill the gaps we have the inconsistent Glendon Rusch and Sean Marshall, a star rookie. That still leaves the fifth spot, which appears to have been lost by Jerome Williams and won by newby Rich Hill, who had two dreadful starts last season — 0-2, with 24 earned runs over 24 innings. Other potential 5th spot fillers are Roberto Novoa, Angel Guzman and Jae Kuk Ryu.

C. Zambrano - 0-1, 4.86 ERA, 16.2 IP, 12 BB, 18 SO
G. Maddux - 2-0, 1.46 ERA, 12.1 IP, 4 BB, 8 SO
G. Rusch - 0-2, 8.00 ERA, 9.0 IP, 3 BB, 6 SO
S. Marshall - 0-0, 8.31 ERA, 4.1 IP, 1 BB, 2 SO
J. Williams - 0-0, 3.60 ERA, 5.0 IP, 5 BB, 2 SO
R. Hill (AAA) - 0-0, 1.50 ERA, 6.0 IP, 0 BB, 6 SO
R. Novoa (AAA) - 1-0, 2.70 ERA, 6.2 IP, 3 BB, 3 SO
A. Guzman (AAA) - 1-0, 0.00 ERA, 5.0 IP, 1 BB, 6 SO
J K. Ryu (AAA) - 0-1, 3.60 ERA, 10.0 IP, 3 BB, 9 SO

It would certainly be nice to have Sergio Mitre and Matt Clement still around. Mitre’s first start was a 6 inning shutout, and Clement pitched six shutout innings in his first start before giving up four runs in the seventh. Both had a much worse showing in follow-up starts, but then again, so did Zambrano, and both are better than our third through fifth starters.

S. Mitre - 1-1, 3.75 ERA, 12 IP, 3 BB, 8 SO
M. Clement - 1-1, 9.00 ERA, 11 IP, 5 BB, 8 SO

Innings six through eight are generally good prayer time for Cubs fans, though our bullpen this year is improved. I’m a bad judge when it comes to relief pitching, so that’s as far as I’ll take it. The big five are Scott Eyre, Bob Howry, Scott Williamson, Michael Wuertz and Will Ohman.

S. Eyre - 0-0, 0.00 ERA, 4.2 IP, 3 BB, 4 SO
B. Howry - 0-0, 1.93 ERA, 4.2 IP, 1 BB, 5 SO
S. Williamson - 1-0, 2.08 ERA, 4.1 IP, 3 BB, 6 SO
M. Wuertz - 0-0, 0.00 ERA, 2.2 IP, 1 BB, 3 SO
W. Ohman - 1-0, 27.00 ERA, 2.1 IP, 2 BB, 2 SO

Ryan Dempster has done well as a closer, replacing Joe Borowski (sent to Florida along with Mitre). Dempster has added two saves this season and according to Cubs.com, he enjoys a 26.1 scoreless-inning streak and has “converted 21 straight saves and needs one more to tie the Cubs’ record for consecutive saves.” How hard is it to get through one inning in Chicago? That’s an excellent question for LaTroy Hawkins.

R. Dempster - 0-0, 2 SV, 0.00 ERA, 5.0 IP, 3 BB, 3 SO
J. Borowski - 0-0, 0 SV, 9.00 ERA, 3.0 IP, 4 BB, 3 SO
L. Hawkins - 0-0, 0 SV, 1.59 ERA, 5.2 IP, 2 BB, 1 SO

Those of you who enjoyed my deconstruction of Everlast’s What It’s Like won’t be surprised that there’s another song that’s been bothering me lately and getting way too much air time.

For someone like me who listens to talk radio about 90% of the time, getting tired of hearing any song is an indictment of Radio anyway, but this one has become so prevalent that I’m convinced there are stations dedicated to playing the song on repeat.

Here’s the part that really gets under my skin. It’s at the very beginning of the song and sets the tone for the next three minutes of aural torture:

Think about it every time
I think about it
Can’t stop thinking ’bout it

It’s funny, because you can think about that line, and every time you think about it you can’t stop thinking about it, and you’re like, “I can’t stop thinking about it, when I think about it.”

Remove the think about its and we’re left with this:

every time
I
Can’t stop

And that’s exactly the problem. When the Counting Crows thought about writing this song, they couldn’t stop thinking about “thinking about it.” So they repeated it three times in a row. And since that lyrical device was working so well, they decided to pump Accidentally In Love full of even more repetitive words and phrases. By the end of the 287-word song, you’ll hear the word love 28 times (almost 1 out of every 10 words is love), accidentally 11 times and come on 24 times. That’s a fourth of the song right there — just those four words.

All of this wouldn’t be much of a problem except that Accidentally in Love has a catchy tune that sticks in your head, and since it’s forever on the radio, it will forever poison your brain. Trust me, every time you think about it you won’t be able to stop thinking about it.

A song about love doesn’t need to include the word love 28 times, which brings us to the next point: the Counting Crows is a great band that has forgotten how to write a great song. You could almost forgive them for producing that awful cover of Joni Mitchell’s Big Yellow Taxi, but Accidentally in Love is just such a far cry from what the band is capable of creating.

Mr. Jones is a fascinating song and Round Here is simply flawless, but somewhere along the way great opening lines like “step out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white” became “so she said what’s the problem baby / What’s the problem I don’t know / Well maybe I’m in love (love).”

Accidentally, I’m sure.

On top of all this, Accidentally in Love was nominated for an Academy Award, meaning we can expect more of the same in the years to come. Excuse me, but I’d like to not thank the Academy for that one.

The Cubs swept the Cards this chilly weekend. I met my buddy Andy for Saturday’s game and even brought home a souvenir: a nice little head cold. The Cubs scored three runs off homers by Derrek Lee and Michael Barrett and a walk by Matt Murton.

James Hart, a fascist-Darwinist/ avowed racist, is running for Congress here in Tennessee as a means to promote his book, Favored Races. He recently appeared in a debate hosted by a neoconfederate radio program; John Farmer says it was enough to have “turned the strongest of stomachs.” Such people need to be the object of our ridicule, not our outrage. Thus, my offering above.

This was me yesterday at the first company softball practice. Coach asked what position I play; the answer was none, so he put me in the outfield, where it’s impossible for a newby to not look like a fool. Several balls went sailing over my head, or were just out of reach. One time the ball flew all the way into the shrubbery and I tried to invoke the ground rule double, but I guess that doesn’t exactly work in practice games. Then when I stepped up to the plate and smacked several deep, Coach said, “we’ve got our DH.” I wasn’t sure if I should take that as a compliment or an insult, but he’s a nice dude. The long and short of it: your favorite source for fishkite news is now the proud backup left fielder. Woo.

What a supreme day for Matt Murton. In his first opening day at bat in the bigs, he hits a three run homer, followed by two more hits and a walk later in the game, along with a nice catch in the field. Oh, and he also met the President of the United States and got to talk with him about Christianity.

The president briefly discussed his faith with left fielder Matt Murton, who is a born-again Christian.

Murton said the meeting compared favorably to a clubhouse visit from Vince Vaughn, one of his favorite movie stars. “It was the coolest thing ever,” Murton said. “To get a chance to meet a guy who leads your country.”

Mitre Watch: In his first start with the Marlins, Sergio Mitre threw a 6-inning shutout, giving up only three hits and one walk while striking out five.

There are many things you can do to increase your life expectancy: exercise, eat well, take your medication and … go to church. A new study finds people who attend religious services weekly live longer.

Yes, but maybe we should be looking at median lifespan rather than average (mean) lifespan. You’ve got to figure that if just one Christian gets that whole “eternal life” thing we talked about on Sunday the entire population’s average lifespan would shift up quite a bit and render the data pretty much useless.