Dear Sirs,

Here are some tips you can use to make next season even better than this one.

First, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t expect to see a bunch of losers in the season finale. And by losers I mean people you didn’t pick to send to Hollywood, or to advance past the first week or two of the program. I.E. people who lost the competition more than a month ago. The season finale is for winners, though I admit if it were up to me, the show would have lasted about 30 seconds and would have gone something like this:

Taylor, you won. Seacrest out.

Now that’s what I would call a quality program.

My second point is like the first: they might have been somewhat entertaining the first time around, but I have absolutely no desire to catch up with Ms. Lewd, Mr. Noodle, Mr. Cowboy, or Mr. Clay Aiken Wannabe.

Speaking of that, what was up with the Clay Aiken X 2 act? Next time, you should go ahead and let the poor guy sing the entire song with his Idol. I’m sure this would have been the high point of his life, but now he’s going to go home and hang himself in front of his Clay Aiken posters. You shouldn’t have cut the microphone and pushed him into a chair; that was just rude. Yes, he’s a bad singer, but you’re the one who handed him the microphone. When the real Clay Aiken came out wearing that rat-hair wig, the poor dude acted like he was witnessing the second coming of the messiah, you know, as if it was THAT SHOCKING for Clay Aiken to show up on the stage of American Idol. My goodness, that’s like Elvis returning from the grave and singing “take me out to the ballgame” during the seventh-inning stretch during the World Series. Can. You. Believe. This?!!!

Third, next time you decide to let two bald frontmen sing together, on the same stage, at the same time, singing the same notes, for the love of all things holy please put one of them in a hat. In your defense, it seems you did take that rat-hair wig from Clay Aiken and gave it to The Artist Formerly Known As Chris for his Prince act. Next time let him wear it during the Live act as well.

Furthermore:

• Next time you invite a psychic to perform on the show, you might want to think about putting her on after the results have been revealed. You never know what people might blurt out.
• Chicken Little has no business singing the “pussycat” song. I know this was an inside joke for you, but an audience can take only so much abuse. Not funny.
• David Hasselhoff in tears — not necessary. Let’s just leave it at that.
• The idol contestants shouldn’t be able to out-perform the special guest stars, as happened in every instance last night.
• He shall be Levon. And he shall be a good man. Repeat if necessary.

Seacrest out.