So we’re driving home last night around 10pm, and the next thing I know my driver’s side window shatters, my arm is cut and bleeding and there are shards of glass in my lap. I pull over. The police come and take a report. But no evidence of b-b shots or anything of that nature. I’m guessing it was a shockwave gun imported from Iran, a weapon of minimal destruction (WMD). If I have to get stitches, I’m sending the bill to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

UPDATE: Now I wake up and my left eye is puffy. Some specks of glass must have gotten rubbed into my eyelid the other day. Fun.

Indeed; the first TMNT movie launched on my 12th birthday. The new one will debut on my 29th.

I felt pretty good earlier this season when the Cubs made a trade for Phil Nevin, sending Jerry Hairston, Jr. to Texas and leaving the Rangers with all but a fraction of Nevin’s salary. The numbers at the time looked fairly good for Chicago, and the last two months have further validated my optimism.

Hairston
59 AB, 11 R, 12 H, 2 2B, 1 3B, 0 HR, 3 RBI, 5 BB, 13 K, 2 SB
.233 AVG in June
.185 AVG in July
.203 AVG combined

Nevin
116 AB, 16 R, 30 H, 4 2B, 0 3B, 9 HR, 22 RBI, 13 BB, 32 K, 0 SB
.259 AVG in June
.243 AVG in July
.258 AVG combined

Nevin has been better for average, better for power, and with 22 runs batted in has become a key offensive player in Chicago. Hairston strikes out a bit less and has better speed, but he hasn’t been nearly as useful to his team as has Nevin.

So at two months out, it looks like Cubs management should refer to this deal as it considers making its final trades for the season over the weekend. Heaven knows some other recent trades have become an example of what not to do…

By the way, here are the stat lines on two major league centerfielders, chosen at random:

Corey Patterson - 50 R, 10 HR, 37 RBI, 33 SB, .281 AVG
Juan Pierre - 50 R, 1 HR, 23 RBI, 37 SB, .281 AVG

Interesting, no? I wonder which one gets paid more.

This is not a strategic analysis. I have little data on what these players get paid, when their contracts end, how much attention they would attract from other clubs, or what the free agent market might look like. But I do know what it will take for me to start watching Cubs games with interest again. So take this only for what it is — the casual musings from the perspective of a life-long fan.

5. Phil Nevin

He came in to cover for Derrek Lee and has done well in the power department, but he’s of no use to us any longer and Walker will be fine at first for the rest of the season while Lee’s wrist heals. Trade him for a prospect of any caliber. No hard feelings.

4. Rich Hill

He’s “the best pitcher in AAA,” and in his last start in Chicago he lasted a full 3.1 innings while giving up only six hits, four runs, a homerun and three walks. Yes, that’s sarcasm. You still think he’s good? Fine, take him, and give me another Angel Pagan.

3. Jacque Jones

Yes, it turns out I was wrong about the Jones trade. He’s certainly outperformed Jeromy Burnitz this season. After being hitless in his first four games with the Cubs (and in seven of his first eight), Jones has slowly battled his way up to a solid .288 AVG. Over the last few months, he’s looked better than he has in years. Can you believe he’s got the second best average on the team? I’d say it’s time to sell high.

2. Mark Prior

When does his contract end? Whenever it is, be it at the end of this season or through 2010, we need to dump the guy. Prior and Wood are at the root of this current funk. I don’t care what you can get for him… he just needs to be out of the equation entirely. And after pitching five scoreless innings earlier this week, the time is ripe.

1. Juan Pierre

I know we have a one-year contract with Pierre. And I’m glad to see his average and on-base percentage rise from their low (low, low, low) points bottoming out in mid-May. It would have been nice to have this player around during the first half of the season, but he’s of absolutely no use to us in the second half. Maybe we can trade him for some decent pitching prospects… you know, like the one’s we gave up in exchange for him in the first place.

1060 West has a much more informed take on potential trades the Cubs could make, but it looks like the writer wants to get rid of some of our best guys. I guess that’s the point, but personally I wouldn’t trade Aramis Ramirez for anyone short of A-Rod, because you just know AramRam is going to be awesome as soon as he leaves (Nomar, anyone?). And I wouldn’t give the heave-ho to Michael Barrett, Scott Eyre or Bobby Howry, either; I would build next year’s team around those guys. I would also keep Greg Maddux around through the rest of this season for sentimental reasons, then hand him Bob Brenly’s job as the WGN color guy.

You gotta love the coinage of “Sir Toothpick McDoubleswitch,” though.

Alphapatriot has an excellent spreadsheet up at TennWatch charting all the various endorsements for the Shelby County judicial candidates on the ballot here. It would seem quite useful for Republicans and Democrats alike; by no means should any voter enter the booth this election without a voting guide (or several), unless you’re one of the handfull of people who is very familiar with all 300 or so candidates.

I’ve decided that’s about all I’m going to say for the remainder of this election cycle, other than to make this plea: please do vote, and please vote for people you personally know are trustworthy or have been carefully reviewed by outside groups you trust to make the right call. Skipping the election because you don’t have all the information and voting blindly are not realistic options; too much hangs in the balance.

Times and locations for early voting in the August 3 election are available at shelbyvote.com.

Quick, hide — it’s a private company funding important research using adult stem cells!

A Memphis pioneer in stem cell research will now help advise an Israeli company pursuing a commercial stem cell based treatment for leukemia.

Man the alerts! This could be disasterous news for those adhering to the following liberal talking points:

• stem cell research is illegal because President Bush is a stupid evil genius who hates black and disabled Americans
• adult stem cells are not at all useful to scientists
• stem cell research is not possible without (further expanded) Federal funding
• stem cell research is worthless unless you get to destroy an embryo in the process
• no new cures of any kind can be found until John Kerry is sworn in as President of the United States
• etc.

If we keep this up, before long there will be polls showing that half of Americans believe privately-funded adult stem cell research is possible, legal and even useful in finding cures… or maybe it’ll turn out that we found stockpiled weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, or learn that Saddam Hussein offered asylum to Osama Bin Laden in 1999. Any crazy thing is possible!

UPDATE: Mark A Rose has more good bad news.

Eight employees at our grocery store were stabbed last week, making national headlines. Because we don’t take kindly to such outbreaks of violence in the “local conservatives’ equivalent of Lake Wobegon,” it’s time for the Misses, our 2.5 toe-headed children and me to pack up our SUV and seek refuge in the outskirts of suburbia. The only problem is that Mario and the boys will have a harder time getting all the way out there in his pickup, but I’ll just tell him to go the easy way — go straight past the first three Wal-Marts, then take a left at the Super Wal-Mart.

UPDATE: The suspect was stopped by an armed witness, but it looks like USA Today had a different idea.

Basically everything President Bush does is subject to intense ridicule, but nothing seems to bring out the political bile like an image of Dubya engaging in *gasp* human contact.

There was the time Bush held hands with the elderly Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah during a visit to the 1st Ranch, which caused a minor storm on both sides of the fence.

Another time, Slate magazine decided the President had made a “Bushism” by shaking hands with Iraqis — victims of Saddam Hussein — who had benefited from prosthetic hand surgery and medical care in the U.S.

Of course, who could forget the time President Bush had the audacity to visit with and encourage the heroes of 9/11 following the collapse of the Twin Towers? Critcs still complain that he was standing on the graves of the victims, as if their charred remains hadn’t become a blanket of ash covering the entire city.

Now folks like those at Peskyfly are enraged because the President did the unthinkable and offered an unexpected, brief shoulder rub to the new leader of Germany. Even the AP is calling it a “gaffe.”

In fact, those Pesky fellows don’t want him to affectionately touch anybody, and are even critical of non-verbal communication such as simple hand gestures and, I’m sure, his characteristic “smirk.”

Do we notice a pattern, here?

What is it about physical intimacy that so unnerves the Left?

Little touches of kindness — that’s just part of the President’s personality, something that endears him to regular Americans.

I think what our liberal friends need is a big hug, don’t you? Physical contact is known to produce a healing effect, and personal warmth is a trait some Democrats desperately lack.

So as a public service to liberals, I’ve provided some therapeutic images below. Maybe you can only look at one or two before feeling nauseous, but just view them at your own pace. In time, you may learn to accept human contact or even start to enjoy it. After a while, you may want to try this at home, among family and friends. With a little practice, you’ll be giving handshakes to complete strangers in no-time. If you start having a strange new feeling many of us conservatives call “happiness,” don’t worry, that’s a perfectly normal side-effect! (more…)

This is just too good. The entirety of this week’s “Gadfly” column by the Memphis Flyer’s Marty Aussenberg is devoted to yours truly, and, oh, how I cherish every word. It seems he’s pretty shaken by the fact that I tore apart his last offering. Ironically, instead of countering my post with anything resembling a set of facts, he continues his “anyone who disagrees with me lives in a parallel universe” theme while claiming it is I (and my “ilk”) who have put my “fingers in [my] ears.” What remains for the Gadfly is a lengthy, though ineffective, attack on my character, my intelligence and even my choice of dwelling — this, while (again, ironically) strongly implying that I resorted mostly to ad hominem arguments. Add to this a healthy dose of inaccuracies and we’ve got ourselves a winner! Does it get any better than this?

Let’s go line by line… (more…)

My uncle Patrick Quinn died a few weeks ago, but today he would have been 47. The above photo comes from a polaroid taken in 1988 or 1989, when he was about my age. I hope to have this updated and complete tomorrow, but I’m not finished writing my tribute to him and I wanted to be sure and post this on his birthday. Happy Birthday, Uncle Pat.

Update: Oops, I was off by a year on his birthdate. Fixed.