Theme: Songs From Their Birth Years

Hair Curtains

Birth year: 1987
Tonight: “Alone.” She’s having major pitch problems, and she looks like she’s up there because she has to be, not because it’s fun.

Randy: Wrong song choice. Too big for you, too pitchy.
Paula: I’m glad America has heard you sing before. You were brave. (read: that sucked)
Simon: It wasn’t as appalling as last week.

Final take: She should be in the bottom three.

Captain Stinkyhair

Birth year: 1987
Tonight: “Fragile.” Good adjective to describe his voice. This sucks, but I think it might actually be decent if he slowed it down. The guitar is very amateurish and all over the place. Is there a point to singing half the song in Spanish?

Randy: Good song, but it didn’t do much vocally for you.
Paula: It was true to who you are, but there was no “wow” factor.
Simon: It’s time for you to take this more seriously.

Final take: I’m fairly certain he smokes a lot of weed.

Baby Imitator (Yes, we know you can do the baby sound. Please stop now.)

Birth year: 1987
Tonight: “If I Were Your Woman.” Following Hair Curtains and Captain Stinkyhair definitely works in her favor. She sounds much more legitimate than either of them. Strong, confident voice. I’m not familiar with this song, but I think it is a good performance.

Randy: Best I’ve ever heard from you. Stellar.
Paula: This will be remembered as the moment you flipped it and became the dark horse.
Simon: Definitely the best so far, but we’re only three songs in…

Final take: Easily her best performance to date. She should be safe this week.

Boston Public

Birth year: 1983
Tonight: “If Only For One Night.” There are some really strong parts, and some really shaky and unsteady parts. Gets better as he gets more comfortable, but sounded very weak during the slow part at the beginning. Maybe that’s why the judges told him not to sing ballads.

Randy: It felt very old. Not hip; not cool.
Paula: You are a throwback. Did a great job.
Simon: You sang it well, but the performance was very cheesy.

Final take: Chikeze looks very pissed at Simon right now.

Carly Simon

Birth year: 1983
Tonight: “Every Breath You Take.” False start on the offense. 10 yard penalty, repeat first down. Sounds really good after the do-over. I like the solo piano; it is a cool variation on the theme. Gets faster and adds the band in the middle; that was not a good idea.

Randy: Front part was pretty good. Bridge/chorus was not great.
Paula: Much better than last week. You are unique and consistent.
Simon: Totally agree with Randy.

Final take: Randy and Simon agree with me.

Freddie Hutchence

Birth year: 1978
Tonight: “We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions.” WWRY and the beginning of WATC sounded very shaky to me. The big part of the song sounded good though; he is very good in the high ranges.

Randy: Finally you used your big voice. Best performance you’ve had.
Paula: You found your right song. I’m so proud of you.
Simon: This is the first time I’ve seen star potential in you.

Final take: The judges liked it better than I did.

Hot Leprechaun

Birth year: 1983
Tonight: “Total Eclipse Of The Heart.” I keep waiting for her to throw in extraneous expletives a la “Old School.” She is the most polished performer of the bunch. Good stage presence, great voice. She nailed it.

Randy: Interesting song choice. I liked it, but I didn’t love it.
Paula: You could make me buy songs I don’t like
Simon: Something didn’t quite work. Looked tight/tense. Lighten up a bit.

Final take: She did look tight, but that worked for this song.

Raspy McVocalchords

Birth year: 1990
Tonight: “You’re The Voice.” I’ve never heard this song before, so I have no frame of reference. Sounds good though.

Randy: Strange choice, but you can sing whatever. You have mad skillz.
Paula: You could sing the phone book and we’d love it.
Simon: Reminiscent of a theme park performance.

Final take: I can see what Simon is saying. It was a little bit “Up With People.” But he’s not leaving anytime soon.

Big Sky Barbie

Birth year: 1984
Tonight: “God Bless The U.S.A.” I’m standing at attention, and you can interpret that however you want.

Randy: Great choice. Nice performance.
Paula: Very poignant and respectful. I’ve seen better performances, but your voice is getting stronger.
Simon: Your pest performance by a mile. Most clever song choice I’ve heard in years.

Final take: I thought Simon would find it corny, but he loved it. I hope the voters do, too.

Combover Guy

Birth year: 1982
Tonight: “Billie Jean.” Great job. I never considered Billie Jean could be a rock ballad, but it really works. Very unique.

Randy: Most original contestant we’ve ever had. You might win it all.
Paula: I’m blown away. You’re smart and brave, willing to stretch the boundaries.
Simon: It could have been either insane or amazing, but it was amazing.

Final take: I’m much more impressed with him than I originally was.

Projected bottom three: Hair Curtains, Captain Stinkyhair, and Boston Public.