Carly Simon

Tonight: “Jolene.” Not bad, but it doesn’t really showcase her voice very well.

Randy: Not stellar, but it was all right.
Paula: You are who you are.
Simon: It lacked emotion.

Final take: Meh.

David Cook (nice haircut; he’s not combover guy anymore)

Tonight: “Little Sparrow.” Someone had better sing “9 to 5″ or “Islands in the Stream,” or I’m not going to know any of these songs. This one sounds decent, but I have no frame of reference.

Randy: Very cool. Another hot, consistent performance.
Paula: Nice haircut! Fantastic performance.
Simon: Not as good as last week, but congratulations.

Final take: He’s not going anywhere.

Hair Curtains

Tonight: “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?” I don’t even know the song, but I can tell she’s having major pitch issues. She has confidence issues, too.

Randy: I wasn’t jumping up and down, but I wasn’t mad at you either. 6.5 out of 10.
Paula: I’m proud of you.
Simon: It was cute, but forgettable. A cruise ship performance.

Final take: Please put her out of our misery.

Captain Stinkyhair

Tonight: “Travelin’ Through.” Why does he sing out of the side of his mouth? I’m hating this less than I have his last few performances.

Randy: Started rough, but you picked it up. Pretty good.
Paula: One of your strongest performances.
Simon: If this was the first time I’d seen or heard you, I wouldn’t get it. Sorry.

Geraldine: If he didn’t have dreads to make him unique, he probably would have been gone weeks ago.

Hot Leprechaun

Tonight: “Here You Come Again.” Finally, one I semi-recognize. Not my favorite performance of hers, but easily the best of the night so far.

Randy: That will probably be one of the best of the night.
Paula: Glorious. Amazing talent.
Simon: Good, not great. You need to have a word with whoever is dressing you.

Final take: She’s not going anywhere, either.

Raspy McVocalchords

Tonight: “Smoky Mountain Memories.” I’m feeling like Simon said a few minutes ago–everything is good, but not great. I always like Raspy, and this one is fine, but it is nothing spectacular.

Randy: I was wrong; this is the best of the night.
Paula: Amazing tone, beautiful aura.
Simon: Absolutely on the money.

Final take: I guess it was great; what do I know?

Big Sky Barbie

Tonight: “The Coat of Many Colors.” This should be right in her wheelhouse, but it is pitchy all over the place. She sings like she knows her days are numbered.

Randy: Randy said “wheelhouse” too. I’m smart.
Paula: This was your best performance.
Simon: Last week was your best. This was pleasant, but forgettable.

Final take: If she can’t do it on Dolly Parton week, she has no hope.

Baby Syesha

Tonight: “I Will Always Love You.” This is the first performance tonight that I’ve actually enjoyed. Syesha is a very likeable person. (when she’s not doing the baby imitation)

Randy: You took on the biggest tiger of the night, and it was pretty good.
Paula: You have a velvety voice, and I love it.
Simon: The first part was good, the second part paled in comparison to the Whitney version.

Final take: I thought it was different enough from Whitney’s to be unique, and she did a good job for such a big song.

Freddie Hutchence

Tonight: “It’s All Wrong, But It’s All Right.” It was all right.

Randy: Blazing hot.
Paula: You’re a rock star.

…and this is where my TiVo cut off. Maybe if they cut down on the stupid pre-recorded crap, they could fit in all the songs and critiques. Final take on Freddie: Fine, I guess.

Projected bottom three: Hair Curtains, Captain Stinkyhair, and Big Sky Barbie.