If you’re in the Memphis area this weekend, come visit the Haunted Web of Horrors, a huge, 13,000 sq ft haunted house with two separate haunts — The Asylum and The Darkness. All the actors and operators are volunteers, and the ticket sales benefit Youth Villages.

That was me last week, just sitting down to get my face painted for the part of a twisted autopsy doctor in The Asylum. And below is one of me in costume for The Darkness, standing with some of the other actors:

Watch the promotional video:

I am hereby releasing my official statement:

1. I usually feel sorry for myself and my fellow Cubs fans after games like these. This year, I feel more sorry for the team. They had an unusually good season, and the whole team contributed to its success. No single person can take credit for the division championship, or for the playoff disaster.

2. Due in part to my frustration with some pre-season moves, and in part to being too busy to appreciate more favorable mid-season moves, I wasn’t as invested in this season as I’ve been previous years. So I didn’t deserve it. But I admit I kinda expected it this year.

3. The Cubs couldn’t have lost to a better team. If you combine this year and last, I’ve had no fewer than 10 of these Dodgers on my fantasy baseball team, and most of them played big roles in keeping me competitive in the fantasy leagues. And that’s having never owned Manny Ramirez.

4. I don’t know if I can say we had a great time watching the game, but I will say we at least enjoyed suffering together with fellow members of greater Cubdom last night. Thanks, Ainsley’s mom and dad!

5. Go Dodgers and Rays.

Did you see the announcement by the Florida Marlins this week, that they played a “carbon-neutral” game of baseball?

By the Marlins’ calculations, more than 440 metric tons of carbon dioxide would be emitted during the game, from people traveling to the ballpark, stadium operations and other means. The Marlins, the state and the nonprofit group carbonfund.org said the carbon footprint of the game would be offset through investments in reforestation projects across the Southeast.

That’s right, sports fans. You have endangered the planet with your incessant patronage of baseball.

But you can make good with the environmental alarmist Florida Marlins organization by never visiting their ballpark ever again. And just for good measure, it’s probably best to avoid the Marlins entirely — buy no merchandise, collect no memorabilia and watch no games on television, as any of these activities may release dangerous levels of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.

The planet may be in imminent danger until we completely boycott the Florida Marlins.

Tonight’s bottom three:

Carly Simon, Hair Curtains, and Big Sky Barbie.

Results

(more…)

Carly Simon

Tonight: “Jolene.” Not bad, but it doesn’t really showcase her voice very well.

Randy: Not stellar, but it was all right.
Paula: You are who you are.
Simon: It lacked emotion.

Final take: Meh.

David Cook (nice haircut; he’s not combover guy anymore)

Tonight: “Little Sparrow.” Someone had better sing “9 to 5″ or “Islands in the Stream,” or I’m not going to know any of these songs. This one sounds decent, but I have no frame of reference.

Randy: Very cool. Another hot, consistent performance.
Paula: Nice haircut! Fantastic performance.
Simon: Not as good as last week, but congratulations.

Final take: He’s not going anywhere.

Hair Curtains

Tonight: “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?” I don’t even know the song, but I can tell she’s having major pitch issues. She has confidence issues, too.

(more…)

Tonight’s bottom three:

Baby Syesha, Boston Public, and Captain Stinkyhair. 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

Results (more…)

Theme: Songs From Their Birth Years

Hair Curtains

Birth year: 1987
Tonight: “Alone.” She’s having major pitch problems, and she looks like she’s up there because she has to be, not because it’s fun.

Randy: Wrong song choice. Too big for you, too pitchy.
Paula: I’m glad America has heard you sing before. You were brave. (read: that sucked)
Simon: It wasn’t as appalling as last week.

Final take: She should be in the bottom three.

Captain Stinkyhair

Birth year: 1987
Tonight: “Fragile.” Good adjective to describe his voice. This sucks, but I think it might actually be decent if he slowed it down. The guitar is very amateurish and all over the place. Is there a point to singing half the song in Spanish?

Randy: Good song, but it didn’t do much vocally for you.
Paula: It was true to who you are, but there was no “wow” factor.
Simon: It’s time for you to take this more seriously.

Final take: I’m fairly certain he smokes a lot of weed.

Baby Imitator (Yes, we know you can do the baby sound. Please stop now.)

Birth year: 1987 (more…)

Cubs GM Jim Hendry has just signed OF Reed Johnson for $1.3 million, believing him to be “the best guy” to serve as center field backup.

Among his features, “Johnson is a career .281 hitter and has a lifetime .308 average against left-handed pitching.”

On the other hand, Johnson missed half the season last year because of an injured back: “He had surgery last April to fix a herniated disc and hit .236 — a sharp drop from his .319 average in 2006.”

But, says Hendry, “He’s an extremely good hitter against left-handed pitching.”

It’s a good thing the Cubs snatched him up, because where else are you going to find another right-handed outfielder who hits extremely well against lefties?

I mean, other than your own bench.

OF Matt Murton is a career .296 hitter and has a lifetime .326 average against left-handed pitching.

Tonight’s bottom three:

Carly Smithson. Somebody get Al Gore’s lawyers on the phone–I demand a recount.
Kristy Lee Cook. No surprise there.
Amanda Overmeyer: Please let it be her. Please.

Results (more…)

Beatles Week Redux

Sorry I missed last week; I was out of town on business, and by the time I got back and caught up on AI it was old news. Shame, as I would have relished writing about the abomination that was “Eight Days a Week” done as a country song.

Elvira, Mistress of the Suck

Most memorable moment: Playing on the big stage.

Tonight: “Back in the U.S.S.R.” 2 straight weeks of Beatles songs and she never chose “Helter Skelter”? Forgot the words in the first line, other than that the rest of the lyrics were screamed correctly.

Randy: Pitchy in the beginning, but picked up in the middle. 7 out of 10.
Paula: Sketchy at first, weren’t hearing the timing. When you connect, you’re authentic. I’d love to hear a vulnerable ballad from you at some point. (is she kidding?)
Simon: It was what it was. Predictable, a mess in parts.

Final take: Can we please vote her off before she sings that ballad? Please?

Big Sky Barbie

Most memorable moment: Being the last one not voted off each night.

Tonight: “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away.” This is a hard song to sing, but she’s making it easier by singing it wrong. Maybe she’ll do better on Monkees night.

Randy: Should have been more emotional. I’m not even sure you were singing the melody in the chorus right. (that’s because she wasn’t…)
Paula: Sometimes it’s safer to stick to the melody. You look gorgeous tonight.
Simon: You need hypnosis, because you’re not a good performer. It’s like musical wallpaper. You make no impact apart from when you’re terrible, like last week.

Final take: At least she’s pretty.

Raspy McVocalchords

Most memorable moment: Singing “Imagine”, forgetting his lyrics on “We Can Work It Out”. (more…)