The Global War on Bags is looking more favorable every day, especially in Los Angeles, where plastic bags will be banned by 2010. And it looks like paper bags won’t escape the wrath either, as they’re getting slapped with a brilliant 25 cent tax. It’s comforting to know the government is protecting us against this insidious foe. Of course, prepared shoppers will still be using bags under the BYOB policy, but if we’re lucky, people will eventually start using their own recycled mesh aborted fetuses instead (emblazoned with a Flyer logo, of course).

UPDATE: This news makes no sense to me; our heroic global warming alarmists and Al Gore wannabes are such winning personalities that I can’t imagine why anybody would object to being permanently glued to their side. It’s not like they’re all a bunch of preachy, hypocritical, ignorant, fascist leeches who want to dictate our every move.

…when you pry it from her cold, wet nose.

Kroger is saving the planet by letting customers design their own “reusable bags.”

Loyal Kroger shopper that I am, I naturally had the perfect design in mind.

Backstory here.

It reminds me of the old Marxist poem:

First they came for the smokers, but I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a smoker.

Then they came for the grocery bags, but I didn’t speak up, because I don’t shop for groceries.

Then they came for the Hurdy Gurdy man, but I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t the Hurdy Gurdy man.

Then they took a break to smoke medical marijuana, which is environmentally friendly and wonderful.

Then they went to the burning man festival.

UPDATE: I’m crushed:

Thank you for entering the Kroger Reusable Bag Design Contest. Unfortunately, your design entry was not approved. Please try again at www.Kroger.com/green.

Thank you,
The Kroger Co.

I don’t know why people are getting so worked up about embattled singer-songwriter Sheryl Crow’s anal-retentive cure for Goreal Warming. Clearly, this is just a great opportunity for some enterprising entrepreneur to create cloth mesh toilet paper. For our bungholes.

UPDATE: While we’re still on the topic, I thought I’d go ahead and slip you one more idea I’ve been thinking about. Instead of substituting illegal plastic shopping bags with cloth mesh bags (now featuring store logos!!!), there ought to be a law requiring San Francisco residents to carry everything around in large baskets on their heads. This method seems to work in parts of Asia, Africa, the Middle East and Mexico. And since San Francisco has now rededicated itself as a “sanctuary city” for illegal immigrants, the trend will be increasingly easy to adopt.

Also, that would free up our strategic mesh reserve for production of recyclable cloth condoms that could be used in place of the disposable plastic ones.