I am hereby releasing my official statement:

1. I usually feel sorry for myself and my fellow Cubs fans after games like these. This year, I feel more sorry for the team. They had an unusually good season, and the whole team contributed to its success. No single person can take credit for the division championship, or for the playoff disaster.

2. Due in part to my frustration with some pre-season moves, and in part to being too busy to appreciate more favorable mid-season moves, I wasn’t as invested in this season as I’ve been previous years. So I didn’t deserve it. But I admit I kinda expected it this year.

3. The Cubs couldn’t have lost to a better team. If you combine this year and last, I’ve had no fewer than 10 of these Dodgers on my fantasy baseball team, and most of them played big roles in keeping me competitive in the fantasy leagues. And that’s having never owned Manny Ramirez.

4. I don’t know if I can say we had a great time watching the game, but I will say we at least enjoyed suffering together with fellow members of greater Cubdom last night. Thanks, Ainsley’s mom and dad!

5. Go Dodgers and Rays.

Did you see the announcement by the Florida Marlins this week, that they played a “carbon-neutral” game of baseball?

By the Marlins’ calculations, more than 440 metric tons of carbon dioxide would be emitted during the game, from people traveling to the ballpark, stadium operations and other means. The Marlins, the state and the nonprofit group carbonfund.org said the carbon footprint of the game would be offset through investments in reforestation projects across the Southeast.

That’s right, sports fans. You have endangered the planet with your incessant patronage of baseball.

But you can make good with the environmental alarmist Florida Marlins organization by never visiting their ballpark ever again. And just for good measure, it’s probably best to avoid the Marlins entirely — buy no merchandise, collect no memorabilia and watch no games on television, as any of these activities may release dangerous levels of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.

The planet may be in imminent danger until we completely boycott the Florida Marlins.

Cubs GM Jim Hendry has just signed OF Reed Johnson for $1.3 million, believing him to be “the best guy” to serve as center field backup.

Among his features, “Johnson is a career .281 hitter and has a lifetime .308 average against left-handed pitching.”

On the other hand, Johnson missed half the season last year because of an injured back: “He had surgery last April to fix a herniated disc and hit .236 — a sharp drop from his .319 average in 2006.”

But, says Hendry, “He’s an extremely good hitter against left-handed pitching.”

It’s a good thing the Cubs snatched him up, because where else are you going to find another right-handed outfielder who hits extremely well against lefties?

I mean, other than your own bench.

OF Matt Murton is a career .296 hitter and has a lifetime .326 average against left-handed pitching.

This is my annual pre-season appeal to anyone who would like to play fantasy baseball this year: it’s a fun way to get involved in the games, and good exercise for your analytical side. If you’d like to join our Yahoo fantasy baseball league, contact me or leave a note in the comments.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Trying to Stay Afloat

I launched team Driftwood in a Yahoo Public league while waiting for my private league to come together. Driftwood is currently in 8th place out of 12. It ranks high in runs (1st), batting average (2nd, tied) and RBI (3rd). But the team is short on homeruns (7th), wins (7th) and strikeouts (6th), is hurting for saves (9th), has completely fallen away from the pack in steals (11th) and WHIP (10th, tied), and is dead last in ERA (12th).

Much of the problem can be traced back to my highly-flawed draft strategy. Chief among my poor choices were selecting both of the projected star catchers within the first four rounds, especially since one of them got hurt (Mauer) and the other forgot how to hit (McCann). Other draft mistakes include picking Nomar Garciaparra (who lost his power) and Bronson Arroyo (who lost his control). I selected several injury-plagued players, including Mark Prior (who must have been “healthy” that day) and Joel Zumaya (out most the the season). I also failed to secure two or three good relievers in the early rounds and got stuck with Ryan Dempster (currently on the DL) as my only closer. To top it all off, my last three picks were Matt Murton, Jacque Jones and Rich Aurilia; what on earth was I thinking?

The injuries haven’t helped, with Miguel Tejada (third draft pick) expected to be out for several more weeks, added to Dempster, Chris Capuano and two players I acquired through trades: Curt Shilling and B.J. Upton.

Speaking of trades, those haven’t gone very well for me, either. I sent Chipper Jones and Joe Mauer packing while they were on the DL, but now both are back and seem to be doing well. Along the way, I acquired Kenji Johjima, who has floundered ever since. I was also too quick to dump Chien-Ming Wang, dropping him at the beginning of the season before he and the Yankees remembered how to win.

The few bright spots have been the ever-reliable Chase Utley, a reinvigorated Gary Sheffield and a dominant C.C. Sabathia. I’ve also enjoyed decent production from Hideki Matsui, Dontrelle Willis and Andy Pettitte.

Looking forward, though, I decided to accept a deal trading Utley in exchange for a star closer (Bobby Jenks), a potentially great starter (Felix Hernandez), and change (Kelly Johnson). If the trade goes through, we’ll see what happens — at any rate, I should be decently covered at 2nd with Placido Polanco as my backup.

To round things out, I’ve also added 1B Adrian Gonzalez (who needs to break out of his slump) and RP Jeremy Accardo (who took the closing role in Toronto). If they have a good half, along with Johjima, Upton and rookie SP Tim Lincecum, I could break my way back into the top five. Otherwise, I’ll just continue riding the crashing wave into last place.

Keeping North

My private league is another story altogether. The Northpaws have dominated in almost every category and have maintained the pole position for most of the season. The Northpaws are currently 1st of 10 overall, as well as 1st in runs, homeruns, RBI, average and wins; 2nd in steals and strikeouts; 3rd in saves; and 5th in ERA and WHIP.

The team has benefited from suffering few injuries, as well as enjoying predictably-good production from its stars and surprisingly-great contributions and breakaway performances by the others.

The stars at the plate include Victor Martinez, Chase Utley, Hanley Ramirez, Aramis Ramirez, Carlos Guillen and Alfonso Soriano, all of them batting over .300 and each hitting 14 or more homeruns. Added to these are break-outs Russell Martin (now my starting catcher) and Adrian Gonzalez (now my backup 1B), along with solid veterans Hideki Matsui, Michael Cuddyer and Kenny Lofton, each of them producing good numbers.

On the pitching side, I repeated my error in giving up on Chien-Ming Wang too soon, but my other SPs have more than compensated for the loss, led by aces C.C. Sabathia and Cole Hamels, with Aaron Harang not far behind. As well, I’m again taking a chance on Tim Lincecum, and have stuck with Jered Weaver ever since pulling him off the waiver wire. Within the past week, I’ve also claimed Roy Oswalt from waivers, to my joy and surprise; even if he continues to slip from his former glory, you have to expect that an Oswalt funk will be better than the alternative, and could be worth at least six or seven wins in the second half.

I also can’t complain about my relievers, with Jonathan Papelbon remaining in the closer spot and recording 20 saves to go with Trevor Hoffman’s 25 and Chris Ray’s 14. Even if the Orioles demote Ray, as some expect, I should be able to pick up or trade for a comparable replacement.

For now at least, I’m happy with every member of my team and have little reason to make any further moves. Unless the second half brings a significant amount of injuries and slumps, I expect the team to continue rocketing up, up and away.

A more obvious answer to the question of renaming the local minor league hockey team is this: The Memphis Riverkings of Southhaven.

Or they could move the team back to Memphis and call them The Wet Willies.

Yahoo’s fantasy baseball leagues open on Friday.

Let me know if you’d like to join us.

It’s almost February, and it’s Super Bowl week, which means the issue weighing most heavily on people’s minds is… baseball.

Ok, you win. We can’t tease you away with posts on 2008 and media’s uncontrollable Obasms. We’ve got to give you the content you demand, and right now you have a fever for fantasy baseball.

The Wright brothers, therefore, present you with 10 strategeries that will help you become a fantasy baseball legend. Not to mention, after you become champion of your league, you’ll have more achievements under your belt than Ob… Ah, mmm, ahhh, never mind. On with the tips!

We’ve done the hard work for you, culling through advance copies of Lindy’s Fantasy Baseball, the Sporting News Fantasy Baseball Owners Manual and John Edward’s Almanac (he is a psychic, you know). From these expert sources we’ve extracted what are sure to be the ten best moves you can make this year.

No thanks necessary.

1. First, be sure to join a league that does not allow trading or mid-season roster changes. This will maximize your interest and fun.
2. If your league holds its draft on a Monday night, auto-draft using Yahoo’s pre-rankings. No fantasy team is worth missing “24.”
3. Consider drafting every member of your favorite team in alphabetical order. Results may vary.
4. Look for starting pitchers who are fresh off having Tommy John surgery, as they will be reinvigorated and revitalized for a new season of dominance.
5. Always draft players by name recognition. Only nerds go by so-called “statistics.”
6. If league rules will allow it, avoid the rookie mistake of drafting position players.
7. Give yourself an edge by focusing on just one or two categories instead of maintaining a roster that is “balanced.”
8. Expect immediate results from your team. You may have acquired Albert Pujols, but if it’s late April and he’s only hitting .271, go ahead and cut your losses.
9. Remember to keep injured players on your active roster. That way second stringers won’t drive down your averages.
10. You can’t win if you won’t accept insanely risky trades.